if i can run in heels then i can drive
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
