so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
My bed smells like the plague
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