I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
