mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
