i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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