i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
