I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Randomize
