he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
