found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
