So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
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