she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
