I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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