You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
