I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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