wat bout pragnant strippers??
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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