you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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