That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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