oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
