I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
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