can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
