Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
