she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
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