Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
