I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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