you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
