I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Randomize
