I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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