just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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