Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
