So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
