Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
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