i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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