I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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