she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
