T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
