can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
