I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
