Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
