Banned from zoo.
Again?
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
