So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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