im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
