its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
