Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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