break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
