I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
