Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
And then he peed in my hair
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