My Higher Power is John Stamos
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
