i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
