I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I got inside last night via doggy door
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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