That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
