I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
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