i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
