just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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