NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
